Its ok not to be ok

Friday 24th January, 2020 (2.37pm) Whilst sat in a coffee shop earlier today, my attention was drawn to a young girl sitting on her own crying. She had no drink, but sat at the table next to mine. I had come to the end and was just about to leave. It was one of those moments where I thought ‘do I check she is ok’ or ‘leave her as she may tell me to do one’. The second option didn’t bother me, as she wouldn’t be the first so to me it… Read More

Identity

Thursday 23rd January (1.25pm) Identity. What is it? What does it mean? Are you defined by it? It is something that we all have legally, and anatomically through DNA and fingerprints, but do we look at other factors which give us our identity? Status, race, religion, gender, or any other characteristic? When talking about someone, you may refer to them as a footballer, actress, runner, doctor, teacher, the one with the silver mini, or the green hair. All of these things say something about us.  Whilst these descriptors may not define us… Read More

Time for the big girl pants

Wednesday 15th January 2020 (3.11pm) I am pleased to say that today has been a better day. I am currently out treating myself to a late lunch after having an hour with my mental health worker. Thankfully our meeting went better than last Friday, and after having final closure on one part of my life, I feel that there is no point in dwelling on the ifs, buts and maybes. It’s time for me to put the big girl pants back on and adopt the chuck it in the ‘fu*k it bucket’… Read More

Fuzz

Tuesday 14th January 2020 (7.24pm) An early therapy appointment (8am) has kind of left me feeling pretty bleurgh all day. I wasn’t feeling good on my drive there with lots of negative thoughts and emotions going around in my head. I arrived, admittedly in a bit of a mess, which continued throughout my session as my brain raced at a million miles an hour thinking over recent events. Again we talked about my want to escape from the mess I have made of things personally, as well as what is going on… Read More

Fed up

Monday 13th January 2020 (10pm) … but at least I managed a run which takes me up to 44 run miles so far this month!

In the rabbit hole

Sunday 12th January 2020 (6.43pm) I always know when I have fallen down the rabbit hole due to the way I change within myself. My thoughts over the last few days have been scary as I have looked at ways to self harm, destruct and completely destroy myself. Left in a chasm of depression, the pills at times have looked like an easy way out. I know the trigger. It will pass, but as and when I don’t know.  I am on the run, physically and metaphorically. Over the last week I… Read More

Just looking 

Wednesday 1st January 2020 (4.14pm) I am not going to sit here thinking over the last 12 months or even wondering what the next 12 will hold as what is the point. The last 12 have been and gone and I have no crystal ball to consider the next. Of course there are things which I would like to see happen both personally and professionally but at the moment I am feeling a little unsettled and confused. As the Stereophonics so aptly put in their lyrics to ‘Just looking’ ‘There’s things I… Read More

Christmas 2019

Friday 27th December 2019 (8.01pm) I have somehow managed to get myself through Christmas. My method was to keep busy, keep active and think about things as little as possible. The latter is somewhat difficult, as something occupies my mind literally every waking second. My therapist wants me to slow down (physically and mentally), but I am finding this difficult. I suppose this is something which will not happen overnight and I need to determine what slowing down for someone like me is. I have made a few decisions lately which I… Read More

When the penny drops

Saturday 21st December 2019 (11.55 am) I had two counselling appointments this week. One through MIND and the other organised privately. Do you know when inside your head you have an idea of what is going on, but you need someone to tell you, and importantly work with you to find solutions, well that has happened twice for me this week. It is simple basic stuff, but it has given me some positivity with how I am going work this over the next few months (and beyond). Firstly, my session with MIND… Read More

Support

Tuesday 17th December 2019 (8.42pm) I was going to title this support ‘from unexpected places’ but I do not like the word unexpected, it feels wrong to call it that in this instance but I do not know what word to use. I am hoping this will become clearer. I have written about my struggles over recent weeks which have at times been sad, upsetting, frustrating, disappointing (I could go on with the negatives but I won’t). I take great comfort in the amount of people who have contacted me. I guess… Read More