I still smile. I have to

Sunday 15th March 2020 (3.02pm) This sums me up perfectly at the moment. I’m sat in my usual coffee shop with Olly and feeling the need to write. Not sure why I feel so rubbish when things have been going so well lately. Maybe that is why, maybe I am not supposed to have a glimmer of happiness. Maybe I am not allowed to move on. Maybe meeting someone new wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it felt too right. Maybe this is how it’s going to be. Sadness and vulnerability overshadowing peace,… Read More

No (wo)mans land

Friday 28th February 2020 (1235pm) In my early years of blogging I used to score my mood (as recommended by my therapist at the time). I haven’t done this for a while but if I was to score today I would probably be a 3/10. Not sure why? I have just been swimming and now sat in Starbucks with my daily hot chocolate. I have something to read but not in the mood. I have swam 10k over the last 5 days which I am happy with but today felt like more… Read More

The reasons why I run?   Part 1 – The early years

Wednesday 19th February 2020 (1102am) I have been asked to put something together on a similar line for a magazine and it got me thinking about my early years. The reasons why I run have changed over the years. Earliest memories of races and my competitiveness go back to junior school where winning everything was my only priority. I could run, and yes in those days I could run fast. I was a sprinter. My mother, to this day will argue that she was faster at my age. I will argue otherwise…. Read More

Sometimes running does not work 

Saturday 15th February 2020 (6.33pm) I should be doing something else but binned that off as kind of feel that I want to write this. That is what writing / blogging is about (for me). It has to be in the head and ready to pop out, otherwise it is forced and does not happen. This past week has been difficult, a 90 minute psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday, not only examined my current wellbeing but will also have a potentially significant bearing on what happens in my immediate future. This took its… Read More

Thin blue line

Friday 7th February 2020 (12.43pm) I am conscious that I left things a bit grim when I signed off yesterday, and I do not like to leave things is such a way. I had obviously written that post on Sunday after a few days of feeling like I had once again hit rock bottom. I am also aware that many people would have read this with thoughts in their mind about a colleague who we so tragically lost on Monday. Someone who I had the pleasure in working with, who in the… Read More

Stuck in Transition

Sunday 2nd February 2020 (1200) Do you ever feel stuck between two worlds or situations where you are doing your absolute best to get out of one and move into another? Well that is where I am at, miserably failing at transition, like I cannot get out of my wetsuit and onto my bike. All I want to do is feel the freedom and joy of the bike, but the heavy, wetsuit is weighing me down, taking up too many thoughts of how to get out, slowly exhausting me and sapping me… Read More

Its ok not to be ok

Friday 24th January, 2020 (2.37pm) Whilst sat in a coffee shop earlier today, my attention was drawn to a young girl sitting on her own crying. She had no drink, but sat at the table next to mine. I had come to the end and was just about to leave. It was one of those moments where I thought ‘do I check she is ok’ or ‘leave her as she may tell me to do one’. The second option didn’t bother me, as she wouldn’t be the first so to me it… Read More

Identity

Thursday 23rd January (1.25pm) Identity. What is it? What does it mean? Are you defined by it? It is something that we all have legally, and anatomically through DNA and fingerprints, but do we look at other factors which give us our identity? Status, race, religion, gender, or any other characteristic? When talking about someone, you may refer to them as a footballer, actress, runner, doctor, teacher, the one with the silver mini, or the green hair. All of these things say something about us.  Whilst these descriptors may not define us… Read More

Time for the big girl pants

Wednesday 15th January 2020 (3.11pm) I am pleased to say that today has been a better day. I am currently out treating myself to a late lunch after having an hour with my mental health worker. Thankfully our meeting went better than last Friday, and after having final closure on one part of my life, I feel that there is no point in dwelling on the ifs, buts and maybes. It’s time for me to put the big girl pants back on and adopt the chuck it in the ‘fu*k it bucket’… Read More

Fuzz

Tuesday 14th January 2020 (7.24pm) An early therapy appointment (8am) has kind of left me feeling pretty bleurgh all day. I wasn’t feeling good on my drive there with lots of negative thoughts and emotions going around in my head. I arrived, admittedly in a bit of a mess, which continued throughout my session as my brain raced at a million miles an hour thinking over recent events. Again we talked about my want to escape from the mess I have made of things personally, as well as what is going on… Read More