When the penny drops

Saturday 21st December 2019 (11.55 am)

I had two counselling appointments this week. One through MIND and the other organised privately.

Do you know when inside your head you have an idea of what is going on, but you need someone to tell you, and importantly work with you to find solutions, well that has happened twice for me this week. It is simple basic stuff, but it has given me some positivity with how I am going work this over the next few months (and beyond).

Firstly, my session with MIND identified that out of all the variables I was measured on, my self esteem is absolutely rock bottom. Other risk factors and vulnerabilities were identified but lack of self esteem is what myself and my mental health worker will focus on. In essence I have very little self worth, and place very little value on what I think about myself. Words such as failure, unlovable, loser, useless, not good enough and worthless resonate in my head. All compounded and confirmed by not being able to keep hold of a relationship. A vicious circle of catch 22. Avoiding certain situations and withdrawing from social contact and relationships because of the way I feel yet further examples.

I am thankful that the program I will now follow will kick me up the butt and work on such negative thoughts and feelings. I am glad that I know what it is and it is not all my head (you know what I mean) and that there is something that can be done. My next session is January 2nd.

My session on Friday was with a private therapist who I am pleased to say got me pretty quickly. Key points from this:

My head moves too fast, it has too many thoughts with too much going on. As it is so busy I am too focused on trying to process these thoughts. In the meantime, immersing myself in my own world without being able to give attention to others (YES, BANG ON). 

I struggle to be able to sit still, take time out and relax. If I stop, I think. If I think, I become upset. If I become upset, then I link into low self esteem. I keep going. It’s easier. This will eventually burn me out. I need to stop, and not rush everything and everywhere.

What do I need to do? For now, I need to learn to sit and breathe. Not just when I am feeling, stressed, worried or anxious, but I need to build it in to my everyday. A few minutes a couple of times each day will help. If my breathing isn’t regulated or controlled then neither am I. This can be evidenced by recent panic. I lost my breathing. I lost my way. A simple technique which I do approximately 15-20 times per minute anyway. I have been provided with a method which I am working on.

I am running from something – just need to work out what?!

I am unable to appreciate / see my success or anything good that I do. Others congratulate or commend but I just brush it off. Hmmm, lack of self esteem again?

On a positive note, I am doing some good, such as exercise, writing, learning, Olly; BUT everything needs to be done at a slower rate.Thankfully, there is a way forward with this which we will work on over the remaining 5 sessions. I am just pleased that there is a solution for my ‘speediness’ out there.

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