Are you ok?

Wednesday 16th Jan 2019 (1.39pm)

I invite anyone to live in my head for 24-48 hours to try and understand and see what goes on.  Inside is a world of battle, contradiction, positive insights, negative thoughts. A world where nothing stays the same for long, a world that is continually changing and fighting for what is right and for what is best. My head can flip and change from decisive to indecisive in a split second, leaving me in a place where I do not understand. I have gone from someone who would make critical life changing/saving decisions in a professional capacity to someone who cannot decide what to have for tea. I no longer feel in control of my life and and am more than happy for others to make the most basic decisions for me. All of this feels somewhat ironic for someone who is supposedly highly intelligent (obvs) (laughs) and highly functional (so I have been told).

Unfortunately my head and the way it acts has a significant impact on others. If I don’t get it, how are those who are close to me supposed to understand? I have no answer but I know that it is difficult for them too. When I wake up I don’t know ‘what Georgie we are going to get today’. Inevitably this causes problems as I withdraw, isolate and want no contact or conversation. It’s not right I know, but I cannot change the way I am. I wish I could, but after almost 3 years of medication and therapy I am still behind in many areas where I would like to be further on. Things take time, I know, but can I change a deeply imbedded thought, behaviour or reaction?

It is always the same. One area of my life tends to go well, whilst the other side of it falls apart. It is like I cannot have equal happiness. If that even exits? I know there is no perfect world or perfect life. I am not asking for this. I just would like some stability. 

Deep down, I know what is the current root cause for my stress and that is the impending decision regarding work. I have said it many times before. I cannot go back to the police force. If I am made to then I wont, and by this I mean will take the option which I have planned. Not easy to say I know, but after 3 years of stress and uncertainty I cannot be left in limbo, shackled and not being able to breathe.

Things haven’t been great recently, my mood has been low, along with my motivation and tolerance.  My mind wanders as I try to engage with people, it wanders into the deep dark hole, not of self pity but of sadness and doom. Many would have no idea of this but those who know me can see it. It is all in my eyes apparently. They do not sparkle, instead they vacantly shut down as my head races and searches at speeds I cannot fathom or comprehend.

This morning I saw my GP as we discussed work and how I felt. She understands, she gets it, she knows.  It was a simple question which she asked me mid conversation ‘are you ok’ which almost floored me and required me to regain some sort of composure before answering ‘yes, I am’. There are things that I need to work out, some decisions may not be easy but whatever decisions I have to make will be for me. 

On the positive side I have been given the opportunity to study and do some research around neuroscience and mental health. A perfect distraction to take my mind away from reality yet doing something worthwhile, and to me enjoyable. I discussed this with my GP who agreed that it was good to have something to focus on, work towards and give me some positive outlook about the future. 

I had my medication increased and need to return to see her in 2 weeks time. As for now, my battle and the fight will continue. At times all I want to do is give up but deep down I know I cant. 

Why cant I? Because this cake is waiting for me.

dav

7 Comments on “Are you ok?

  1. Thinking about you. Don’t know how you feel.. my experience is different so won’t try to reassure you by saying that. But, I do recognise the dispare and the worry and the sadness.
    I wish you well, genuinely wish you well.
    Be clear about two things – you are the most important person in your life and don’t underestimate the power of other people’s best wishes and thoughts. What you told me about thinking about me the other morning as I stepped into my bosses office made a HUGE difference. Your wishes helped me, you cared, I care.
    Be good to yourself.
    Andy

    Liked by 1 person

      • Not too good. Have got up to go to work every day for 20+ years, this doesn’t feel right, know I can’t go back there but this just adds to my feelings of self destruction, anxiety and failure. My brain overload is about what next… what about money, will I get another job, if I do will this happen again . I even catch myself wondering what it might be like to be homeless! I try to tell myself I am a good person and was a fine professional… but then start to think “well if this were true then this wouldn’t have happened etc”.
        Only up side is have managed 3 small bike rides this week … again thanks to something you said. Cheers matey!
        Andy

        Like

      • It is a true credit that you have not been off work sick in over 20 years. You should be proud of such an achievement. Don’t think too far ahead with things (easier said than done I know) but get yourself better and things hopefully will slot into place. Don’t pressure yourself and don’t even think about homeless etc. Do you have anyone who can help you with advice? Just because you are off unwell it doesn’t make you any less of a person or teacher. Would you be thinking the same if you were off with a serious physical condition? Well done on the bike rides, I hope they managed to clear your head. I know they help me.

        Georgie.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Everything you do, everything you’ve achieved and every battle you’ve won so far makes you a superhero. You’ve inspired so many, your magic powers bring light to the darkest places and you’re probably not even aware of this. Your smile is a ray of sunshine and you hugged Harry for goodness sake 😂😂😂 Keep writing and running and hopefully see you Saturday at the parkrun.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi thanks Jo for such lovely kind words 😂. I had a few hugs off my good mate Harry but I think he was disappointed when I turned down his marriage proposal. He met Meghan not long after 😂😂. Hope you are keeping well and see you on Saturday morning XX

      Like

  3. I too long for consistency, whenever I feel “good” with my life ( which isn’t often ) something always goes wrong!! And if it doesn’t go wrong ( again isn’t often) I feel guilty, and just worry about when things might go wrong?!? Trying to explain this to people is hard, but I totally get where you are coming from. Hope you get your decision about work soon ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

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