Thursday 16th June 2016 (11.29am)
6/10 – Mentally I am doing ok but physically not feeling it. I booked myself into a spin class last night for this morning and if I hadn’t then I probably would have not done any exercise. It was nice to see a lady in the changing rooms who is a regular swimmer. She sees me swimming and always asks how much I have done. I set her a challenge of swimming 1 mile (as she was not that far off it). I check on her progress every time I see her and today she was so chuffed to tell me that she had achieved it. It is funny how I have fitted into a group I have met of mostly retired ladies and I will miss this group when I return to work.
As for work, I don’t think I will be returning next week. Whilst I am making progress, there are times when I feel like I have been smacked in the chops. These times usually occur during the evening and night when I am home alone, when I have put my book down or turned off the computer and silenced my phone. It is during these quiet times when I reflect on my life and whilst I have not shed any tears for a while my pain and suffering are still there. Pain and suffering is something we touched upon in the session yesterday. Whilst it is considered normal, I will hopefully be taught techniques on how to deal with it.
I have not had any messages from anyone yet. I finished my book yesterday and have now started on another one ‘Black Rainbow’ by Rachel Kelly. Its s story of depression and Rachel’s fight against it.
I have been reading my book and a few lines have really spoken to me:
“I had not imagined that anyone as privileged as me and as happy could become unwell”. As for me I have more than anyone could ask for – but this does not make me happy.
“I feared I might become a different person thanks to their (medication) mind altering properties. I wanted to be in control. My depression to get better won out. I had no choice but to surrender”. How many times did I look at my pills and not take them? How much research did I do on them before finally giving in?
5/10 – I am feeling a little bit fed up this evening and not quite sure why? I received a text message earlier and I left it until late afternoon to reply. I plan to meet up with a friend tomorrow – well that is the plan anyway. England beat Wales in the football with a goal in injury time. Gutted. I have had a message from an old friend who was conducting a ‘welfare check’ and I have replied.